At long last: The One With All the (online) Dating Questions.
If you’re new here, welcome. You may want to start this journey by heading over to my Instagram and checking out the “dating” highlight where we started this conversation a few weeks ago.
Today, I’m answering reader submitted questions about all things dating. Let’s dive into it.
Are you afraid a potential date will find this post and be turned off by you?
No. If a man is threatened by an honest conversation about dating, he’s not the man for me.
What do you do when your ex pops up on a dating app?
“Remove” and/or “Block” and continue on your merry way. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Continue moving forward.
Why are men just children trying to pass as adults?
In my dating experience, I’ve found this typically has a lot to do with previous relationships and family dynamics. More often than not, they’re not held accountable. For anything. So they bop along in life expecting the same ease they’ve always encountered. Some of them also just don’t care. I lived with a male (yes, male because he was not a man) for two years and the one huge lesson I took from it was that males and females are very different – like, truly, our brains are wired very differently. This is why good communication in relationships is so crucial.
Is it ever OK to go back to someone who did you wrong?
In my opinion, no. Particularly if they did you wrong. They didn’t consider you in that moment. Why would you expect that to be different in the future?
How do you decide if a relationship is over or your bar is too high? I feel complacent.
Your bar is never too high. Your standards are your standards and you should never settle for anything beneath them. Spoken from someone who has absolutely settled before – it never works out. If you’re asking yourself whether the relationship is over because you feel complacent, you have your answer. There are schools of people who would suggest spicing things up, trying new things, etc. but I’m not one of them. Sometimes it just isn’t working – and that’s ok. Relationships don’t always end because someone cheated or you found out some unforgivable secret. Sometimes relationships end because you outgrow the other person or maybe you were never the right fit to begin with.
How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?
In my experience, it’s time to end a relationship when you have that feeling of complacency or you’re not getting what you need from your partnership. My last long-term relationship ended because my ex cheated. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking about the prospect of something more for quite awhile. It should have ended there but I thought I was doing the right thing trying to save something I had put so much of myself into. I knew and I should have trusted my gut. But as women, I feel like we’re always considering the “what if”. What if they change, what if this gets better, what if I don’t feel like this tomorrow. That’s not how this works. If you want more, go get more.
I started talking to this guy on a dating app. It was going really well and then he friended me on Snapchat, saw my snaps, and then ghosted me. What happened?
He didn’t like what he saw. And that doesn’t mean you should change anything. I really dislike getting social involved in the early stages of any relationship. So much so that it’s a dealbreaker for me if they ask about it. It’s a rule I’ve created for myself especially being in the internet space that I’m in. Yes, it’s a peek into sometimes life but, in my experience, it never ends well. Take it from me: you can do you due diligence when it comes to sleuthing without stalking their social.
I got ghosted after great few weeks of texting. Do I reach out?
No. Why are you interested in reaching out to someone who is not considering you? Don’t chase him. I’m also a firm believer in, if a guy likes you he’ll figure out how to date you. Hard stop. Stop tricking yourself into thinking you like him just because he’s messaging you.
Why are men so insecure and unstable?
Because they’re not doing the work they need to do on themselves. They jump from relationship to relationship so they don’t have to focus on themselves. Since women are not rehabilitation centers for men, it never works.
Which dating app should I be on?
In my opinion, there’s no one clear winner. While I used to prefer Bumble, I now prefer Hinge. Bumble used to be my weapon of choice because women controlled the gates of communication. However, because of this, Bumble allows men to swipe right on potentially every woman that appears and then wait for them to initiate conversation. Making it not as much the “women empowered” app it claims to be and more just women doing all the work. With Hinge, either party can initiate conversation. You can even send a message with your initial like. This also means you’ll potentially be sorting through messages from people you’re not interested in. In my opinion, it’s the lesser of two evils.
How long do you wait to say I love you if you know within the first month?
I’ve done this and I’ll probably never do it again. I don’t think 30 days is enough time for me to understand a potential partner on a level where this could be true. I’ve been infatuated with someone during the first couple months but that’s much different than love. I wait until the other person says it. Some could argue that’s a game, but it’s what I’m most comfortable with. That being said, I think if it’s something you feel comfortable communicating – go for it.
Why is dating so hard?
Think about how hard it is to make girlfriends as an adult. Now add a romantic element to that. You’re trying to find someone who you enjoy being around all the time, feel comfortable with in any setting, and gives you space to be the best version of yourself. Of course that’s going to be hard to find.
I don’t want to waste my time dating a Trump voter. How do I ask?
You just ask. I have a line about it in my profile. Yes, that will attract a few extremists trying to make their case but I’d rather I be upfront about a very solid dealbreaker than waste my time. Before I had it in my profile, it was one of the first things I brought up and was very clear about and it doesn’t always have to be dramatic. After a few hours of decent back and forth with a match I brought it up when he asked for my number. I never give out my number unless I know this answer. He mentioned that he’d voted for Trump (twice) but for financial reasons and wanted to make sure I knew he “wasn’t his guy”. I politely responded that if he voted for him, he was his guy and unfortunately, that was a dealbreaker for me. He mentioned that he was disappointed but I was firm with my line and that was that.
Also, don’t fall for that sh*t. A vote for Trump is a vote for Trump. No matter the election year, no matter the reason. Do not edit your boundaries.
How do I date when I don’t like people?
I feel this. Deeply. Be very clear about your expectations, both with yourself and with potential dates. Do not be afraid to drop a match before chatting. Protect your energy. When I engage with every person who reaches out, I’m exhausted. You don’t owe anyone anything. Reserve your witty banter for the ones you’re actually interested in.
What do you do when all your pics are pre pandemic aka 15 pounds lighter?
Improve your selfie game. I had an old rule that was to never engage a guy with selfies in his profile. You’re telling me there are no pictures of you that exist so you have to take a selfie? I didn’t like the vibe. Now, the game is a little different. We haven’t been anywhere in over a year. Selfies are acceptable. Shirtless, bathroom/gym ones are not.
I also think not being the exact weight you are in your photos is OK. I typically give people ~20 of wiggle room especially in the middle of a pandemic. While I may get backlash for that last sentence, there is a difference in putting on 20 pounds of weight over the course of quarantined months and lying in your profile, pitching yourself as someone you are not. I met up with someone last summer at an outdoor bar who was at least 70 pounds heavier than his profile pictures. Not only is that a completely inaccurate representation of yourself, it’s deceptive and it speaks to someone’s decision making. It’s a no for me, dawg.
How do you balance being on your own but wanting to meet someone eventually?
You carve out time for yourself and don’t immediately throw yourself into something with someone when it happens. Be a little unavailable – not in a playing games way but in a protecting your space way. If Sunday is your self-care night, keep it. Move your date to the following night. If Thursday is your reading alone night, keep it. Move the date to the weekend.
I really value my alone time. But I’d also like to meet someone, someday. So when I’m on a dating app, I treat it like I would a date. I log on two to three times a week, pour myself a glass of wine and sit down and focus on chatting. Just like I’d go on two to three dates a week, have a glass of wine and focus on chatting with my date. If you check in every day, multiple times a day not only will it drive you crazy, you lose your balance.
How to engage on dating apps? I can’t talk about the weather anymore.
I only engage with people who have taken the time to say something interesting in their profile or as an opener. If you’re talking about the weather, you’re in the wrong place. Once, I matched with a guy because he had an Orioles hat on in his profile and I figured we’d at least have that to talk about. That’s the wrong mentality to have and I got what I deserved. His opener was, “Hi.” Nope. Unmatched and moved on.
I answer a few more questions over on my Instagram under the “dating” highlight:
How do you stay excited about dating when you’ve had so many bad dates?
How do I date during the middle of a pandemic?
How do you know when you’re ready to date?
How do you start dating again after a long time out of the game? I feel like a wet sock.
Do you have a question about dating? Or advice for one of the questions above? Leave it in the comments below ↓